We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
