WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
