he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
