There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
