She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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