Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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