you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
