Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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