I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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