Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He felt like a one man threesome
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
