If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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