dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
