Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
