I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
