you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
