the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Holy shit dude........stairs
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize