Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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