the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
