You work out of a Hotel?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
