im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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