it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
