her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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