Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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