i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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