i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
