he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
