I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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