I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
