Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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