Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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