Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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