I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
