Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
