I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
