I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
