My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
