you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
