I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
