I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
