The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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