I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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