Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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