What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
