Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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