Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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