Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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