Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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