Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
