just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
