I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
