splinters make it hard to masturbate
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
