The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
