My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
