I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize