I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
how does that bad decision feel?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
