I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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